‘Cultural Differences’, British ‘Hens’, Russian tourists and Georgian drivers

Hello everyone, and welcome to the ‘World According to Gemini’.

(This is a transcript from my podcast which will be available in all major platforms in exactly 10 hours :-))

We just came back from the two weeks tour with ‘No Crows’. 12 Gigs in Spain, Germany and Switzerland. Obviously, when you are touring, one of the things you should be aware of is so-called ‘Cultural Differences’.

Todays topic is …. ‘Cultural Differences According to Gemini’.

Our beautiful planet is not as big as we think. Actually, it’s becoming smaller and smaller every year. You can board a plane and in a few hours find yourself in a different country or on a different continent. Everyone moves around. A lot. Japanese tourists come to Ireland, Russians are flying to Egypt, Columbians visit China and Americans visit Afghanistan. Not with the same degree of success though. Germans went to Russia once. It didn’t go well. Everyone wants to see and experience something different, try exotic food, get a taste of foreign culture, local music and so on. Everyone, except of British, it seems. Every time I go on tour somewhere South, Spain for example, I see Brits drinking ale and lager in British pubs, built especially for them, ordering mash and bangers, fish and chips, watching soccer and fighting with the local police exactly the same way they do back home in Liverpool or Manchester. Once I saw a young British couple giving out to the waitress in a Croatian restaurant. They demanded a Full English Breakfast. The chef refused to produce this edible catastrophe and the young lady called the chef a ‘F***ing savage’. Apparently the waitress was used to having Brits around, so she didn’t seem offended. She enquired though, why would they go abroad if they wanted to have British food? ‘Wouldn’t that be easier to find it in England?’, she asked. Silly woman. British are still trying to bring gifts of civilisation to the undeveloped world which foolishly refuses to see and accept British superiority. Exactly in the same way former Soviet republics refused to acknowledge the benefits of the Communist rule and declared independence one by one. Shame, really. Well, not all is lost. England is very close to Ireland and thanks to ‘Ryanair’, we can fully appreciate British ways and customs. To observe those legendary ‘Hen Parties’ from Yorkshire is way more exciting than watching naked ladies from the Rio de Janeiro carnival, believe me. Few years ago I witnessed the exchange between one of the ‘Hen Party’ ladies and an Indian gentleman who was checking their bags in the Leeds airport. They had an argument about the bottle of vodka, which this ‘Hen’ wanted to bring in. The Indian gentleman said, ‘Madam, vodka is a liquid and therefore can not be allowed on the plane’. The ‘Hen’ thought for a while and came up with the brilliant idea. She said, ‘If I drink it now, it wouldn’t be in the bottle anymore, it would be in my stomach, so it can be allowed, innit?’. The Indian chap replied, ‘Yes, Madam, it will be in your stomach, but you wouldn’t be allowed on the plane anyway, because you will be drunk…. INNIT?’. The ‘Hen’ thought again and said, ‘But…What if I give it to my friend? Would that be ok?’.

‘Yes Madam, you’ll be allowed to fly, but your friend won’t.’

‘Really? What if she drinks it?’, enquired our ‘Hen’.

 

What can you say? Really??

The ‘Hen Party’ was eventually let through. I was extremely lucky to observe their intellectual superiority during our flight to Dublin. Even though their vodka bottles were confiscated, they still managed to get drunk. One of them took out of the bag a huge inflatable penis. It was at least four feet long in the erect state. We spent the best part of the journey watching our flight attendants trying to confiscate and deflate this object. ‘Hens’ won the fight. Then we were waiting for 15 min while they were trying to exit the plane with this thing in tow. They got stuck. I am sure they had a great time for the next few days, drinking, fighting, urinating on the streets, getting arrested and so on. The usual. It works in Ireland. It would definitely not work in Malaysia, Iraq or Philippines. They are ‘Culturally’ different from Britain, you see. Savages, in other words. Please, don’t think I am targeting British on purpose. Absolutely not. I love Britain. They produced the best Progressive Rock music on the planet. If you ask me who in my opinion are the worst tourists on the planet, I would put Russians first. I am being patriotic. We are the first as usual. British would take silver, US and Germany will have to share bronze.

Every nation has it’s own customs, symbols, ways to behave and interact with each other. For example, if you nod your head, in some countries it will mean ‘Yes’, in some it will mean ‘No’ and in some it will mean nothing. If you nod or smile at someone in Dublin, they will nod back, if you nod or smile at someone in Moscow, they will beat you up.

There are countries where young men and women are walking on the beach with nothing on, all their assets sticking out. No one would even blink an eye, while somewhere else a woman caught with her pinky sticking out, will be beaten up or imprisoned. Or both.

This is called ‘Diversity’, or ‘Multiculturalism’.

I think I forgot to mention that everything I say is a generalisation, so don’t get too uptight, whatever your background is. I’ll continue.

Russians who buy ‘Everything included’ holiday packages and come to Turkey or Egypt usually get drunk before the breakfast, trash the place and beat everybody up. Then they go and look for the Ukrainian tourists who bought the same ‘All inclusive’ holiday deal. Police never stop those fights. They know better. They smoke outside, chatting with the ambulance drivers and waiting for the end of those ‘Multicultural’ activities. Locals don’t mind. It’s free entertainment, after all. It works in Turkey and Egypt, it might work in England but it won’t work in Scotland for example, as Scots can be quite radical when pushed around. Now…’Cultural Differences’ between Russia and Scotland. They both are fighting nations, but there is a difference. Russians generally look mean and aggressive and Scots don’t, which can be deceiving. Twelve years ago, when I was living in Glasgow, a group of Moscow fans came to Glasgow to support their team. They ended up in a pub in the ‘Rangers’ area. They got drunk and they got adventurous. They started to pick on one of the patrons who was wearing the Rangers jersey. The guy didn’t react first, he smiled and tried to be friendly. My comrades who despise the Western European habit of smiling and apologising for everything (Pardon me, you are standing on my leg, so sorry for the inconvenience), mistook friendliness for weakness and started to get more and more aggressive. The bartender tried to explain to them that it’s not a good idea or place to start trouble, but they didn’t listen. Finally, one of the supporters slapped the Ranger fan on the face. Only one third of my comrades was able to attend the match, the rest ended up in a hospital. Don’t get me wrong, my compatriots are brutal fighters, it’s just they were not expecting anything from the apologetic bunch of smiling locals and therefore were not prepared for the disaster which followed. As you can see, the lack of knowledge of local customs can lead to misunderstanding and massive medical bills.

Here are few more examples for you. Driving in different countries can be very educating because the driving etiquette is different in every country.

If someone is flashing their headlights when you are stuck in the middle of the road somewhere in Surrey or Sussex, what they are trying to say to you is, ‘I am a white, middle class and well educated liberal. I don’t care if you’re French or even if you are an Arab. I don’t mind if you drive Nissan Micra. I’m letting you go, even if you are one of those Americans who think they are able to drive in UK. I’ll wait till you realise that we drive on a different side of the road here. Have a nice day!’. If someone flashes headlights at you in Italy, they are saying, ‘Get out of the way, you Brutto figlio di puttana bastardo!!!’. In Switzerland, if a car in a front of you stops and switches on hazard lights, it means, ‘There’s a little kitten trying to cross the road. Wait till I call the police, ambulance and fire brigade to help him cross safely, to check his vaccination status, to locate and arrest his owner for gross negligence and animal cruelty’. If it happens in Moscow, it means, ‘Please wait till I get out, open my boot and take out my baseball bat’. In Dublin, if you are driving near the school area at around 4PM and an SUV in a front of you indicates left, be careful. It means that there is a demented mother inside, who is about to murder her four kids she just collected from the school. She is not turning left. In fact, she is not turning anywhere and the wisest course of action would be to wait and not to approach. In Caucasus, Georgia, if the car in front of you indicates left, be aware. No one in Georgia indicates anything. Ever. The driver most likely hit the handle by mistake. Driving etiquette in Georgia is similar to Italy but much more radical. If you are a passenger and you try to put on your seatbelt, you are risking a serious injury. From the driver. Putting your seatbelt on means you don’t trust his driving abilities. Also, in Tbilisi only foreigners cross the street when traffic lights are green. I remember the interview with the Georgian minister Eduard Shevardnadze when Georgia was still a Soviet Republic. He said, ‘Traffic lights in Tbilisi are more of a suggestion, really’. Few years later, Shevardnadze was hosting an official event which was attended by the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an epic outdoor barbeque. Georgian hospitality at it’s best. Shashlik, music, dancers, fireworks, everything, except of one little detail. The organisers forgot to bring and install portable toilets. Soon Berlusconi started to feel a bit uncomfortable and whispered to Shevardnadze, ‘Sorry Eduard, where can I, you know…?’. Shevardnadze who was a magnificent host, opened his arms and loudly exclaimed, ‘Where??? Everywhere, my dear friend, everywhere!’

If it was a German Chancellor, for example, it would probably lead to a diplomatic scandal. Silvio loved it. He laughed and went to the nearest bush to attend to his needs. You see, Georgia and Italy are not so culturally different after all. In the same way there are certain cultural similarities between Russia and Ireland. In 1994, the Russian president Boris Yeltsin landed in Shannon airport to meet up with Albert Reynolds. There was a big crowd, a military orchestra, journalists, cameras, all works. The plane stopped, but nothing happened. Yeltsin was too drunk to get out and to meet Reynolds. Again, if it happened in any other country, we would’ve had a WW3 on our hands. Irish…. they just laughed. ‘Ok, he got one too many, we can understand that.’ Well. That was more of a joke, but there are occasions where you should really do your homework to avoid a serious injury. There are things you should never say in the Caucasus region. Any curse, especially if you mention someone’s parents will automatically get you into a hospital and that’s only if you are very lucky. If you are visiting a shepherds community in the Far North, past the Arctic Circle, you can ask your host to sell you his wife. He’ll just say, ‘Shut up…’. If you suggest he sells you his dog, you are dead. There are communities where in order to show your appreciation to the chef you burp after the meal. As loud and as long as possible. There are communities where it is considered an insult if you leave food on your plate. You are expected to lick it clean and wipe it with your sleeve. I did in once in a French house and was told that if I do it one more time, I will never be invited there again. Barbarians, those French. Worse than the British. At least you can burp in England without causing an international incident. What else? Seating at the Arab table can be very embarrassing, if you came unprepared. There’s a specific dining etiquette in Arab and some Middle Eastern countries. You eat with your hand. Yes, the hand. The right one. The left hand is reserved for wiping your arse and it shouldn’t touch the food. Ever. If you don’t know that, not only will you make a fool of yourself, you might offend your hosts and it’s never a good idea. In England, you never give your seat to a woman in public transport. You’ll be called a sexist, a misogynistic pig and thrown off the bus, or train. Many years ago, when I was not familiar with British customs, I tried to give my seat to the very pregnant lady in London. My English was not good at all and I didn’t understand most of the things she called me but one thing was clear, she didn’t thank me for my Soviet gallantry. She said, ‘How dare you’, at least five or six times. My fault, obviously. In Rome, do as Romans do.

In Japan, you never give money to the shop assistant, you leave it on the till. In Norway, if you are invited for a drink, that means…one drink. In Russia it means you’ll wake up a week later in a different city. There’s a movie in Russia, which is one of our favourite romantic New Year stories ever. It’s a movie about this ordinary guy who went out for a drink and woke up in a flat in a different city. Then he met with this beautiful woman who owned the flat and finally they fell in love. Everyone loves this movie but I don’t remember anyone ever making a comment about the fact that he got so drunk that he ended up in a different city. No big deal, it happens all the time. I have a friend. Ten years ago his mate invited him for a drink in Frankfurt. Eight days later both of them were extracted from under the train in the tunnel in Dover and arrested on suspicion of terrorism. The police said only highly trained agents are able to cross the tunnel under the train.

My friend is not an agent. He is a computer programmer from Sakhalin. He still doesn’t remember how they got there.

As there are millions of big and small customs and rules in every culture, visiting other countries is not just buying a ticket and driving to the airport. It might be helpful to do a little research on what you should or shouldn’t do where you’re going because what you do in Cincinnati might not go well in North Korea as one of the American tourists found out the hard way.

Obviously this rule doesn’t apply if you are a Russian tourist or a British ‘Hen’.

This was an introduction to my next podcast about our tour with NoCrows. We went for two weeks and played 12 gigs in Spain, Germany and Switzerland. In this next podcast we’ll talk more about cultural differences. Also I’ll try to give you an insider view on touring and on the realities of what most people perceive as a glorious life style on the road.

Drugs, Sex and Rock n Roll. Yeah, right!

All of this… in the next podcast, and for now, good night and Gob bless!!!