Rats and Saxophones

I have good news for the saxophonists of all styles, ages, genders and skill levels.

Finally you might have something meaningful to do in your lives.

You can start legally earning a decent living by playing Jazz without being called names by other, real musicians. I know it’s hard to believe, but it is true – you can use your devices to earn money and to benefit humanity at the same time. The only downside is – as there are way too many of you, you want to be quick in order to secure your place in the emerging market.

Let me start from the beginning.

We have a rat.

That’s a fact I was trying to conceal from my comrades for the last three weeks.

I love animas. All of them.

(You can read a story in my blog about my friend, a little traumatised mouse who committed suicide. It’s called something like ‘Improving your vocal range’. Look it up.)

Actually, I prefer animals to humans. They don’t have politics, they don’t use kids to dig cobalt for iPhones and they don’t watch football in Croke Park when I am trying to sleep.

I also made friends with a cat who got stuck in the bush in our garden recently. I pulled her out and she nearly bit my ear off. Now we are friends. She comes to watch me through my window and sometimes we have a quick snack. I have a love-hate relationship with the fat and obnoxious robin who for many weeks is trying to get into our kitchen. He pretends to be nice, but when I don’t let him in, he becomes nasty. Also, I had a pet spider. His name was Adolf and he was a sweetheart. He lived in our kitchen in a corner behind the cupboard and everybody knew I wouldn’t let anybody to hurt him. When I was on tour, our landlord decided to paint the house. One of the morons who came in to work painted him over.

Poor Adolf! I wasn’t around to save you, I am sorry.

Now there’s a rat. His name is Jerome and he is one of the most stubborn creatures you will encounter. Ever.

I was trying hard to be his friend but he crossed the line.

First he started to knock on the doors, them he ate his way through the wall and discovered a rubbish bin full of edibles. He immediately decided that we are going to be friends. I met him when he was having a dinner. I said ‘Hello’ and he said, ‘Ok, but don’t come any closer’.

I said, ‘Cool. Enjoy, but be civil, ok? Others in this house might not be as understanding as I am, so mind yourself’.

He was discovered soon enough and my compatriots declared a war on Jerome. There was a rat poison talk, rat traps etc. I tried to protect Jerome. I said he is lonely and he is harmless. I said I’ll take care of the noise. I filled up all holes with the builders foam and we had a relatively quiet night. Then Jerome ate his way through the foam and started to live the life. We had a delightful young lady from London who stayed in our house. She brought us a chocolate cake. Nick loves chocolate. Jerome managed to get to the kitchen top and ate the cake. Nick was traumatised and I had to fill the hole again. Jerome didn’t like it a single bit and went insane. He made at least three new holes and started to eat everything in his path. It put a strain on our relationship. My compatriots send a SOS to our landlady who sent us a set of sound emitters which are supposed to keep rats away.

Yeah, right.

We installed all seven of them and I woke up with the severe headache. Jerome was perfectly fine. He continued his rampage, he ate half of the bag of chick peas and scattered the rest all over the floor. Two days ago I decided to clean the kitchen and discovered that Jerome ate the floor brush.

Yesterday our relationship came to an end. I was sitting in the kitchen and Jerome came out. He was moody and he was grumpy. I reminded him about our agreement and he actually sneered at me. Little bollocks!! He made a move at me and I smacked him on the head with the towel. I told him it’s over and he’s not welcomed in our space anymore. He went away and had a tantrum. I couldn’t imagine that such a small creature can produce so much noise. For hours he was banging, scratching, squeaking, sneezing, slurping and producing so much racket that I couldn’t sleep. In the morning when I went to have my coffee, he was still having a tantrum.

Then a miracle happened. Our neighbour Dennis started to practice his saxophone. He does it once or twice a month. Badly. So, he started to blow into his plumbing device and immediately I heard a loud squeak.

Then there was silence.

Jerome was gone. Forever.

Today we had our first rat-free day. Apparently Jerome moved out.

So, my dear saxophonists, here’s where you come in.

For those of you blessed with the presence of this arrogant little fecker called Jerome, demolishing your walls, eating your food and scaring your partner. Just think, instead of using poison which will kill your cat or buying devices which will cost a lot and won’t do anything except of destroying billions of neurons in your brain, you could rent a saxophonist for half an hour and get rid of Jerome forever.

Obviously it’s not the most humane method of dealing with the living being, but even the worst saxophone is still better than the poison. If you are a sensitive person, you don’t have to listen, it’s ok, get out for a coffee, Jazz musicians are used to it, nobody listens to them anyway..

It’s a win-win situation.. You get rid of Jerome and support Irish saxophone community at the same time. They need your support, believe me.

Send me a PM if you are interested, I’ll send you our neighbour’s address.

Just don’t tell Dennis I sent you.