‘Developing your vocal range (when everything else has failed).

Good evening, everyone…

Our lives are full of unpredictable events which oftentimes lead us to something which goes far beyond our everyday trivia. In this case, a series of dramatic events led to a discovery of sorts, which I am going to present you in this article – a revolutionary technique for female vocalists wishing to extend their vocal range and to be able to hit a high ‘D’ without hours of tedious exercises which only serve to traumatise your pets, kids and neighbours.

Bear with me for a moment.

It’s not a secret that our phones, tablets and computers are actively spying on us day and night. They know what we eat, what we think, what we buy, wear or drive. They know our darkest secrets and hidden desires.

I have no idea how this is technically possible in my case, as I have disabled all microphones, cameras, location services and this highly annoying SIRI on all my devices, but it still knows the setlist for my next gig and contents of my fridge.

There is also this pesky AI called ‘Bing’, who is trying to become my friend and pen pal. I am resisting its romantic overtures as much as I can, but I can’t get rid of it no matter what I do. I keep insulting it and calling it names, but it keeps apologising and comes back again and again no matter what. Last week it appeared on my Skype and decided to tell me how to get a cheap car insurance. Apparently it knows that I was banned from driving and my current insurance quote is 2500Euros.

How does it know? I didn’t tell it, that’s for sure. How then??

I am not a fan of social media. I go to YouTube to listen to music which I can’t afford to buy, that’s about it, but I do have Facebook installed on my phone as sometimes I have to advertise my gigs, videos etc. And every time when I open FB, I am being bombarded with various suggestions, ads, links and videos. How does it know what I need? I don’t buy anything online. I don’t visit dodgy sites and I don’t look at naked ladies, little kittens or people falling down the stairs. I should be safe, right? Nope!

Somehow it knows everything I say or do even though it’s switched off.

Two days ago I was discussing various diets with my student. That’s what violin lessons are really for, in case you are wondering. If you think we are learning how to play scales and arpeggios, you are mistaken. There are more important issues to be discussed. Mothers complain about their kids and partners, teens talk about cats and nasty cousins, adults discuss anxiety, sagging bottoms, piles and triple bypasses.

My student was complaining about her mother who put her on some ridiculous diet which she got from one of the YouTube ‘experts’. It’s called a ‘Triple B’ diet. Bread, Beans and Bacon.

I wouldn’t even go into the reasoning behind this madness.

I told my student this expert is an idiot and she was smart enough to guess that her mother is not the smartest pea in the pod either. I didn’t tell her anything about the mom by the way, she figured it out herself.

Immediately after this lesson, Facebook started bombarding me with videos of various healers who present ‘revolutionary’ diets and advices on how to heal our digestive tracts using washing liquid, hand symbols and dried frogs testicles.

Those ‘experts’ have no problem sharing a medical advice without being medical professionals, without any relevant training and without accepting any responsibility whatsoever. Or maybe they are? How would I know? How would Facebook know? Anyone can call himself an expert. Anyone can post a video on any subject. And the thing is, some of it can be useful and some of the healers could be a real deal, but how do we know who is to be trusted or who is not?

Take me for example. Few years ago I published an online violin technique course which earned me enough money to buy few pairs of socks. How would you know I can be trusted? How do you know I am who I claim to be and not a 20 years old sockless Albanian teen who decided to earn a quick buck?

The truth is, you can’t.

Which brings us to the second part of my article. It contains a technique which can change the way female vocalists are taught worldwide and which in turn will provide me with new shoes.

There’s no way you can know for sure if it’s legit, helpful and authentic, so put your trust in me, proceed at your own risk and hope for the best.

I am going to show you how to expand your vocal range fast and without any drama.

I saw it work. I think it’s amazing. I think it should be included in RIAM syllabus. I think that our next Irish Pavarotti might even mention me in his memoirs. I am not looking for fame and recognition, I simply want to share my experience with musical students and professionals worldwide.

It is designed primarily for female operatic singers, but Jazz, Blues, Folk and contemporary vocalists can benefit greatly from this technique.

It doesn’t work with male vocalists, unfortunately.

Here it is.

A week ago we had a gig in ‘Shoot the Crows’ in Sligo with Felip, Anna and Eddie. We had a delightful young Spanish lady, an operatic singer and a friend of Felip to join us for few tunes. There is a video from this gig circulating on a Facebook. This lady is singing ‘Carmen’ while I am sitting beside her with a very thoughtful expression on my face. Dreamlike expression, I’d say.

One of our friends came to me after the gig and said, ‘She is fabulous, isn’t she? I noticed how you were listening to her, you were so……involved’.

‘Oh yes’, I said, ‘You are right. Yes, I was….involved’.

I didn’t tell our friend why I was ‘involved’, though. You see, our guest was a soprano and at some point she hit a high ‘A’, which resulted in few ‘Aaaaaah’ and ‘Oooooh’ from our audience. Felip swore that he heard a glass crack. I believe Felip. This frequency can cause a lot of damage. Physical and neurological. I know. I witnessed it myself. That’s why I had such a ‘thoughtful’ expression. Memories flooded my mind. I was thinking about this fateful day when one high note led to a tragic end.

A year ago we had two lady vocalists staying in our house for a few days. I was working in my room. Suddenly I heard a piercing scream. It sounded like someone was being murdered so I jumped up and ran to the rescue. When I entered our kitchen, I received another high frequency blast emitted by two mezzo-sopranos in unison. That’s when I saw our ladies. They were unharmed, thank God! A comatose field mouse was out cold on the floor in front of them. He was three inches long. Scared to death he was. He closed his eyes and covered his head with his tiny paws. I went to check if he was ok and was immediately assaulted with another double high ‘C’, which was quite unnerving, to be honest..

Both of our guests were lovely, gentle and balanced souls, but when they saw our little friend they turned into two bloodthirsty monsters. They wanted me to ‘Kill him, Squash him, Drown him, Burn him!!!’, and so on.

My main concern was for the mouse though. This acoustic assault traumatised him so much that he couldn’t move. I picked him up, went out to the garden accompanied by more high ‘C’s, and pretended that I’m about to murder this horrible creature. Eventually our ladies calmed down, opened a bottle of wine and sat down to heal their nervous systems. I sneaked my friend back to my room and tried to bring him back to life. I covered him up with my wool sock, brought him water, bread, cheese and put on some Vivaldi. I told him that our lovely ladies didn’t mean him any harm, that he is safe now and I won’t allow anything else bad to happen. He spent the rest of the night under my sock and left early in the morning, still deeply traumatised.

I haven’t seen him for two days.

Soon my daughter Dusia came to visit. At some point she came in to my room and said in a tragic voice, ‘Dad……something bad just happened’.

‘Tell me’, I said.

‘No, you have to come with me…..’.

And so we went. Dusia brought me into the bathroom and said, ‘He was so young…’.

And there he was. My poor, traumatised friend. He committed suicide by jumping into the toilet and drowning himself.

The high ‘C’ emitted by two mezzo-sopranos has ended his life.

Here’s the thing. I know that under the normal circumstances none of those ladies are able to take a high ‘C’. Meeting my little friend instantly added a ‘perfect fifth’ to their vocal range.

As you can see, briefly introducing a mouse to a female soprano before the recording or a concert can maximise her range and greatly improve her performance. Obviously, welfare of the mouse is a legitimate concern, but I am sure the practical details can be worked out.

It’s not something the Royal Irish Academy crew would be willing to include in their Syllabus as they are a conservative bunch, so I am thinking Moscow Conservatoire, Boston Philharmonic or Opera National de Paris.

I might even consider getting in touch with La Scala.

Now, I am so far from the subject of our phones spying on us that I don’t even know how to get back. I am lost.

I know. I will make myself a coffee, have a cigarette, publish this nonsense and will worry about the rest tomorrow, what do you think?