THE LOCKDOWN TALES volume 1

‘Dear Sir!!! I hope your day is good, your health is strong and your parents are well. My name is Moussa Mohammad the 3rd.I have received an inheritance from my late father Prince Umar, who was brutally murdered by the treacherous Rebels and Criminals. At the moment, the sum of 7.570.322.687US dollars is being held in the vaults of the Swizz Bank. I cannot receive or use this money, which I intend to spend buying Food for the Poor People in my Country, because we don’t have a direct connection to this bank. I have a proposition to You, Dear Sir, which will help to feed thousands of hungry children. I’d like You to use your bank account to receive those funds, which then will be collected from you by my associate. I have no choice but to trust you with this amount, as many lives depend on this money. I’ll need you to give me your bank details and your account number, so I can instruct my Secretary to transfer the money. You will send me 200 US dollars immediately, so I can initiate the transfer of funds. You will be then rewarded for Your services to my Country. You will receive 100.000US dollars and Your name will be written in our history books. I believe You to be an honourable person who will do the right thing and will not use this opportunity to take this money for his private use.

Please, don’t delay and send me 200US dollars as soon as possible.

Yours..

Moussa Mohammad The 3rd’

Even someone of very limited intellectual resources will think twice before sending 200USD to our friend Moussa, would you agree?

Would you? Really?

Think again and answer me this – how many people around the world regularly fall for scams like this one??

How many people have been trained and conditioned to automatically accept and believe everything they are told by the Man on the Screen, no matter how ridiculous it might sound?? 

I’d say……..nearly everyone?

I personally know someone who once sent money to the Ugandan Ministry of Education so they can buy books for poor children. His name is Anton. He is still waiting for the statue to be erected in his honour in Kampala. Anton is not a stupid person. He has graduated from the Moscow Conservatoire, he plays chess and speaks three languages. He thinks that every child in the world should be able to read books. He is a true humanitarian. His wife Marina is not. She thinks Anton is an idiot. She is a former tennis player and she is a very straightforward woman. We were having a tea in their Moscow apartment and Marina told me about the letter. She called her husband ‘Durak’ (a fool) and asked me if I agree. She said she was merely interested in my opinion, nothing more.

I’m old and I’m clever. I was married for 30 years. I have a daughter and many sisters. I carry scars, mental and otherwise. I know too well what it means when woman asks you for your opinion. 

I knew Anton for many years, so I was torn between the loyalty and self-preservation. Marina has a short temper. Believe me, you don’t want to disagree with the tennis player who is holding a frying pan in her muscular hand. I am a coward. I am a traitor. I sold my friend out. I said, ‘Anton, you made a mistake’. Marina said that in her opinion the only sin worth mentioning is a stupidity. She said if you fall for something like this, you deserve to be relieved of your money. I sheepishly said I couldn’t agree more. Anton just looked at me with his big, sad eyes. He didn’t say anything. He still sends me an odd mail or two, but there is no warmth in our relationship anymore. He likes children and he can’t forgive me for being so cold and ruthless.

I am clever. I never open those mails. I don’t believe in 75 million USD waiting to be deposited to my account, or any of the rubbish I receive from the various scammers.. That’s what I was saying to myself. Then, one day an email came, informing me that my AIB bank account was compromised and I had to log in to update my password etc. I did as I was instructed, it was a serious matter after all. It took me a while to realise I don’t have a password as I don’t actually have an account with the AIB. I swore to myself I will never be taken for a fool ever again.

And then….

‘Hi, you don’t know me but I know you. You have downloaded my virus while surfing the web and now I have a video of you watching child porn. I also have a full access to the content of your hard drive. Unless you pay me XXXX, I’ll leak this video to the social media, to all your friends and relatives……etc, etc..’. You know how it goes. There’s a name for this particular type of a letter. It’s called a ‘Sextortion’. I should’ve deleted it straight away without giving it a second thought, but I didn’t. I read all of it. It made me angry, it enraged me. It was a bad idea, but I have my excuse. It came at the worst possible moment of my life.. It came at the ungodly time of confusion, chaos and darkness. It came in the morning!!!

I’m sure you all know about the Gemini ‘Morning Curse’.

Our lives would’ve been much easier if mornings didn’t exist altogether. A typical Gemini morning is a combination of disorientation, despair and realisation that there’s no reason to live, to function, to breathe, to move, to feel or to think. Whatever we do or rather attempt to do, usually ends up in a disaster. We break or blow up things, we hurt ourselves and others, we insult our loved ones, we make bad decisions…. As we move past 12pm, everything starts to brighten up and we start to look somewhat humanoid. We start realising there’s still some hope left in the world and there’s no need to kill anyone. After 4-5pm we enter the state of relative normality, so we are able to get through the rest of the day without causing more harm to the environment. We start functioning fully as we move towards the sunset. 

During the evening we repair the damage caused in the morning and so we maintain the balance between our good and bad impact on the Universe. Blessed are Gemini who have partners, cats, dogs, relatives or friends willing to accept and forgive our morning antics. I consider myself lucky, as my musical compatriots have learned of the ‘Morning Curse’ long time ago and behave accordingly. When they hear me crawling down the stairs in the morning, they drop everything and scatter. Can’t blame them, really. I myself wouldn’t want to get in a way of what comes out of my room in the morning. Also, I try not to look in the mirror before 12pm, as I know exactly what I will see there. An unpleasant, aggressive, insensitive and basic creature filled with disillusionment about the state of the humanity I will see.

My compatriot Nick, despite being a Jazz musician, turned out to be the most sensible one of all. Sometimes, when he’s around, he leaves a steaming cup of coffee on the kitchen table. It is an act of self-preservation obviously, but I am grateful to Nick anyway. 

This morning turned out to be the usual ‘End of the World’ scenario. I spent my first 15 minutes imagining what I will do to the composer of the ringtone on my phone when I bump into him during the Grammy Award ceremony. I went through the options and decided none of them would serve him properly. I gave up. I got up and discovered that I turned 75 years old. I went downstairs. Nobody was home, it was raining and the world in general was as miserable as it could be. I made myself a triple espresso, started my notebook and opened my mail. 

Reading this letter was a big mistake. It made me very angry. So angry that I decided not to leave my room and to pour my rage into this story. To leave my room now is not a good idea as I might cause a considerable damage to someone. When I am done, the world will be a safer place.

Here goes.

The more we entrust the murky waters of the internet with our plans, personal details, secrets and innermost desires, the more eventful and colourful our daily existence becomes. We are being targeted, manipulated, spammed and hacked on a regular basis by the faceless creatures hidden in the digital world. 

I got a phone call from my bank recently, ‘Good morning, Mr. Ponomarev, my name is so and so. I have a question for you – were you visiting Florida in US yesterday by any chance?’

‘Nope, I had a gig in county Athlone, lucky me. Why?’

‘We had to temporarily block your account as there was a suspicious transaction’

It turned out that a technically inclined college kid had hacked my account and got himself a little something from the online shop. A pair of Gucci jeans worth 700USD, to be exact. I was quite impressed with this kid being so technologically advanced. That required skill, and I always respect people who can do something better than I can. Then he decided to buy himself a pair of jeans which were more expensive than my car. I am not the one to judge anyone’s dress sense, so I was still ok with that. Then he did something highly disappointing. He started to fill in the order form and in the process……..wait for it!! 

You ready?

He wrote down his name, address and phone number as requested. 

He was arrested the next day. I hope he spends some time in the place with no computers. Not as a punishment for hacking my account, but for being an idiot, which is a much bigger crime.

Something else struck me after reading my morning mail… the perceived safety of the internet users. You can be as insulting and offensive as you want, while commenting on something or addressing someone. Whatever you or your opponent say or write, doesn’t have to be backed up by anything of substance as there’s no personal and physical contact, no responsibility and no consequences. When you insult someone in a real life, you get a bloody nose, so you’d think twice before opening your mouth again. When you are having an argument with someone online, you are safe to say whatever you want. 

I am old-fashioned. I am a dinosaur. I prefer to look someone in the face and to make sure that whatever I say is backed up in one way or another. 

I’d like to share a little story with you. I’ll tell you what happens when you make a thoughtless comment in a real life. It all happened two years ago but it started yesterday, so bear with me.

Yesterday morning I was getting dressed and ready to enter the world. I opened my chest of drawers and was presented with the choice of three socks. They were of different origin, texture, size and colour. For Gemini, this kind of situation is a catastrophe. I had to decide which two socks I can wear but I couldn’t make a choice. My mind was paralysed. I was trying different combinations for twenty minutes. None of them worked, so I was late for work. I was a nervous wreck for the rest of the day. 

I look at my compatriot Nick with awe and envy. He is my role model in relation to self-control and self-management. He has at least seven pairs of socks and he is still able to function without having a nervous breakdown. When I grow up, I want to be like Nick.

My wardrobe is a joke. It has seven or eight items in total. That’s including socks, by the way. Most of them are ancient, well-worn articles which went out of fashion at the time when Gorbachev decided to dismantle the Soviet Union. I have trousers which I bought in Moscow in 1983. I have two shirts which were sent to me by a friend from US and shoes which need new soles. I have a bikers jacket which I can’t wear because it has a ‘Hammer and Sickle’ logo and a pair of glasses which I can’t wear because they give me a headache. The rest of it I got from my son Vasya. Actually, it’s only because of him I look barely presentable. Last time I saw Vas, he said, ‘Dad, you look like a hobo… Here, I got you a decent jacket.’

Couple of years ago, Vas bought me a beautiful cashmere sweater. I was happy! I was wearing it every day. I loved the soft feel of it, I loved the colour and I loved the fact that it was a present from my son. One night I was driving home and stopped outside our local kebab place to get something fast and edible. I got in. It was well past the pub closing time, so it looked like a Charles Darwin waiting room. I got in a queue behind two drunk girls who were wearing orange fake tan and something which wasn’t long enough to conceal their underwear. I was looking at them and thinking, ‘Jesus Christ! How could your parents let you out dressed like this??’ 

Someone tapped me on a shoulder, ‘Checking them out, you sleaze-ball..!?’. I turned around to have a look. It was a ‘Working Lad’ type character. He was much younger than me, a bit shorter but much heavier. He was appropriately intoxicated, he was determined and he wanted to make a point. At first I didn’t understand what he was saying. I thought he was trying to share his concerns about the moral and ethical downfall of the younger generation. It couldn’t be further from the truth. He didn’t want a conversation, he thought I was having lewd thoughts about the girls, he decided to become their guardian angel, he wanted to defend their honour, he wanted a war and he wanted it right now. I guessed, and guessed correctly that there was no sense in having a civilised discussion of any sort. We started to gesticulate, we broke some chairs, he gave me a black eye and I busted his nose. Everything ended up on a positive note though. I gave him a napkin to wipe his nose, he gave me a cigarette, we had a quick weather discussion, then I got my bagged edibles and drove away. 

I arrived home and went to the bathroom to check the state of my eye. I looked in the mirror and to my horror noticed that blood from the ‘Working Lad’s’ nose went all over my beautiful cashmere sweater. I took it off straight away, put it in a washing machine and went to the kitchen to look for something cold to put on my eye. My next morning was a disaster! My eye wouldn’t open, I was stiff all over, my knuckles hurt and my sweater had disappeared from the washing machine. I asked my compatriots if they had anything to do with it but they didn’t want to come out of their rooms. I looked into the machine for the 20th time and suddenly noticed that something small and furry got stuck to the wall of the cylinder. I looked closely and my heart sunk. It was Vasya’s sweater! 

It looked like a dead cat.

The wool quality was so good that it shrunk equally. There was a four years old boy who stayed in our house at the time, so I gave it to him as a present. It was a perfect fit.

Two or three days later I bumped into the ‘Working Lad’ again. He was walking down the street. He pointed at my eye and said, ‘Nice one!’

I told Vasya about my encounter and I told him about the fate of his sweater. He is a respectful young man, so he kept his comments to himself. 

Let’s get back to my morning mail.

Having your account hacked is bad enough, but it’s not the end of the world. Being blackmailed and accused of something so horrific as watching child porn is a different story altogether. I know it’s not personal, I know this dude sends thousands of mails and I know the only intelligent thing to do is to ignore and delete it right away, but I couldn’t. I had a totally irrational and idiotic response to this message. Why? Firstly, it was opened in the morning! Also, I happen to have a very strong opinion on the subject. If you watch adult porn… well, it’s just sad. You should get out more, get yourself a girlfriend or a boyfriend, buy a dog, get a tattoo, jump from the tree, become a president, learn how to cook…..do something, anything. If you involve yourself with something which includes kids and sex…. castration without anaesthetic is the very least you should be subjected to.

I think porn destroys something in us on a very basic level. What’s much worse, imagine what it does to our kids. They start watching porn from the age of 10 -11. How the hell are they going to have a normal, full and emotional relationship if they learn how to interact with each other by watching porno videos? The fact that everything else in their lives is objectified and sexualised doesn’t help either. But in saying so, it’s just my opinion. Also, I can’t really get all judgmental as I unwillingly got involved with pornographers myself. One of the adult sites uses my music. No, I am not getting paid and no, I didn’t give them my permission to use it. Well…they didn’t ask, to be honest. Did I look at their site? Yes I did. It was a bizarre and educational experience at the same time. Would I look at it again? No way! I was scared.

Now, let’s get into the subject of pornography from the Gemini perspective. Our main question would be, ‘Why?’

It’s all clear with us, humans. We spend more and more time online and in order to stop being dependant on the physical reality we substitute our activities and transfer them into the virtual world one by one. Soon we will learn how to urinate digitally and our transformation will be complete. Our lives will be simpler, faster and safer, but what about those who have no computers and are forced to function without the aid of the smart devices? How would they manage? What about the animals?

Do cows dream of naked cows?

I don’t think so. For our Daisy and Sampson, procreation is a natural process. There’s no need for the visual stimulation as they run around naked anyway. No cow pornography then. You might say the cows are not the best example. They are domesticated, they are heavily modified by humans and therefore serve only two specific purposes which have nothing to do with the nature but rather with our greed and stupidity. The first purpose of cows is to provide us with steroids, hormones, pesticides and antibiotics during our dining routine. The second one is to replace our breathable air with methane and to destroy the ozone layer. Yes, I can see now that our genetically modified Daisy is not a good example. My bad. Let’s talk about the wild animals instead. What would their purpose be? As any living creature on this planet, they are born with only two instincts which are hard-wired into their DNA. To survive and to ensure the survival of their species. They procreate when they are physically fully formed and when they are able to give birth to a healthy kid/calf/pup/chick.. No child pornography then. No need for prostitution, pimps, sexual violence, rape, sexual slavery, grooming gangs, sexual blackmail, genital mutilation, sexism, gender-based inequality. I guess there’s no place for the ‘Sextortion’ emails as well.

So, What’s the difference between us and them? Yes we can think and they can’t. That’s a good excuse. We also have the ability to create and they don’t. We create arts, we build, we conquer, we travel into space, we study, we have science… Good for us. Doesn’t do anything good to the planet though. We create art but we also create war, politicians, economics etc. We study the Universe and come up with yet another way to destroy our planet, we learn medicine and come up with the nerve agents, we create science and learn how to build the atomic weapons. You can argue that music of Mozart improves the state of the Universe. Yes it does and yes he is one of us, humans. But so is Justin Bieber.

We created a pornographic industry as a purely financial enterprise. It doesn’t make any sense but it generates huge amounts of money. Why? Get into the Sampson’s head and try to imagine that you have to give away some of your feed just to be able to see a picture of naked Daisy. Would you? Really? 

I didn’t think so.

Sad, isn’t it? And still, selling the videos of the undressed humans to the dressed humans is probably the most lucrative business in the world. Statistics say that more than 80% of men and 60% of women are watching porn on a regular basis. As it doesn’t provide them with any meaningful satisfaction, most of them slowly drift to the more extreme content, and yes, some of them end up watching children porn. In this case I wish the blackmail would work. I wish it was true about the computer virus. I wish those videos would be published everywhere and I wish they would include personal details of people who watch children porn. In this case I might get myself a pair of rusty scissors, get back to our local kebab place, team up with the ‘Working Lad’ and start making educational visits..…