A WEDDING ACCORDING TO GEMINI

A bit of drama, this. Our lovely Laura came to the kitchen. She looked upset. She said she got invited to attend her friend’s wedding. ‘There are worse things to go to’, I said. ‘You’ll survive’. ‘No’, she replied. ‘You don’t understand.. She wants me to be her BRIDESMAID!!!’. 

I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know anything about bridesmaids and their functions. I know that everyone involved in a wedding has a certain duty to perform. For example, the purpose of the bride’s father is to prepare a speech which will annoy as many people as possible and which will go on for seven hours. The best man is usually charged with the task to avoid paying the band, the bride’s brother’s duty is to start a fight after the dinner, etc, but what about the bridesmaid?

I visited our friend Google and I did a bit of research, only to find out that there’s nothing specific about their duties. They accompany the bride. They have to wear uniforms made from curtains. They check bride’s dress every three or four minutes, they laugh a lot, and… that’s it, really. 

Back to Laura and me. We had a conversation about weddings, different customs, our experiences, and I realised there’s a story in making.

Here it goes.

A view of a generic wedding according to Gemini.

Dedicated to Laura who doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

If you are one of those people who are yet to experience various delights of marriage, unity of souls and eternal bliss….lucky you! You will at some point of your life pass through the most important day of all – the wedding day. It will be filled with happiness, good wishes, hope and anticipation, flowers, white lace, silk, champagne, tears of joy and sadness, music and speeches. Also, it’ll be a very practical occasion. After all, how else would you get to know each other after you slept together? 

And you might agree that it is well worth re-mortgaging your house and not eating for the next eight years in order to have an opportunity to fight with your in-laws and to settle with all your childhood enemies once and for all. 

There will be downsides, of course. You’ll have to sell your Nissan ‘Micra’ in order to get a short ride in Bentley from the church to the restaurant. You’ll get to drink flutes of overpriced champagne, while dying for a pint. You’ll get to eat Foie Gras, while secretly longing for the plate of chips. You’ll be listening to the best man’s speech starting with the customary, ‘When we were kids..’, and going into the unavoidable, ‘And then he met this girl!!!!!..wink wink’ part, while secretly hoping that everyone is already drunk enough to miss this bit, and while being aware that in a bar around the corner, some non-wedding guests are having great time drinking Guinness and watching footie on a flat-screen. You’ll be listening to the Jazz band playing Ellington, while wishing for some good old Rhianna. You’ll have to wear something which costs more than an aeroplane, and something you’ll never be wearing again in your life. Unless you divorce and marry again. But your lovely dress will be five sizes too small by then, so you’ll have to re-mortgage your house for the second time. And sell your Nissan ‘Almera’ to have your hair done. If you are a bride, that is. It’s easier for a groom though. Men usually don’t spend the annual budget of Estonia to buy a dress. They do just fine with five Euros worth of jelly in their hair, a blue synthetic suit, yellow socks and brown shoes. Or at least they did in 2018. Hopefully 2019 will bring more dress sense into our beautiful part of the world.

To be continued……