MAMA-J AND A ‘WONDER COOKER’

Mama-J is what Johannes Vermeer had in mind when he created his ‘Girl with a Pearl Earring’. Mama-J wasn’t around at the time, so he found someone else instead…

A beautiful, talented and proud woman she is. Also she is the one of only two people I know who can have a full-scale, heated argument with ‘Katie’ from the GPS navigational unit. Another one is my friend Felip, who most of the time curses at ‘Katie’, calls her ‘a stupid cow’ and tells her to shut up… without switching her off though, as ‘Katie’ could be invaluable if we are driving through Switzerland and have 10 minutes to get to a soundcheck in Belgium. 

Mama-J takes ‘Katie’ less seriously. She’d say something like: ‘What do you mean ‘turn left’, you think you know better!? I grew up here! You can’t turn left, you have to go straight….’. And in five minutes: ‘What did I tell you!? Huh??? Who do you think you are? Albert Einstein?’.

Many years ago Mama-J and Leo have emigrated from the Soviet Union to US. The difference between USSR and US lifestyles in eighties was enormous, so they arrived to Boston without a slightest idea about what and how things work over there. They had to learn on the go. They didn’t have much money, their apartment needed furniture, pans-pots and so on. One of their friends gave them a good advice. He said: ‘If you need anything, just drive and look around. Very often people leave their stuff outside on the street for somebody to pick it up. It doesn’t mean it’s rubbish, not at all. Most of it is very good. We didn’t have to buy any furniture, we got everything from the street, so why don’t you try? Mama-J was sceptical at first, but then she and Leo decided to have a go anyway. On their first trip they found a leather couch, a kitchen table and some  chairs. Mama-J was as happy as a kid in a sweets shop. She made a list of things they needed for the apartment and they went hunting. They found everything they wanted and much more…

After a week, Mama-J went for the kill. She said: ‘Leo! You! Listen here. I’ll tell you what we need. We need a ‘Chudo Petch’ – a ‘Wonder Cooker’. (A microwave oven). Mama-J is a fantastic cook (on top of being a microbiologist, psychologist, doctor, producer, writer, theatre critic, artist, designer and God knows what else.). She’s also one of the most determined people on the planet. A microwave she wanted, so microwave she was going to get. No matter what. All her friends were given a task to find one, so for the next few days, there were ten or fifteen cars patrolling the suburbs of Boston continuously. They were on a mission. It wasn’t very successful as ‘Chudo Petch’ was a relatively new invention and nobody wanted to throw it away just yet.

Finally, one day they got lucky. Mama-J saw it first. There it was, sitting on the side of the road, big and shiny and very expensive by the look of it. Mama-J was ecstatic. She was so happy, she couldn’t believe her luck. She said: ‘Leo!!! Get out and let’s grab this thing before someone else does! Quick.’ So they did. The ‘Wonder Cooker’ turned out to be very heavy and it took them a while to get it in the boot. Mama-J wanted to go home straight away. She wanted to try it out as soon as possible. She started to fantasize about dishes she’s going to cook and people she’s going to invite. She couldn’t wait, so she put her foot down.

After a while they noticed they’ve been followed. They saw blue flashing lights in the mirror. A state trooper car it was. Mama-J started to panic. ‘Oh my God, Leo what are we going to do? Did I go too fast? Was is very fast, what do you think? What’s going to happen now? Am I going to be arrested?! What do we do?! Leo, why are you just sitting here?! Leo, BE A MAN, DO SOMETHING!!!!!!’. 

It was a Judgement Day scenario. They heard an amplified voice: ‘Driver! Pull over…’, then: ‘Please remain in the car’ and then something about keeping her hands on the wheel. Mama-J started to hyperventilate. Two troopers slowly approached the car, hands on their pistols. Mama-J started to shake. One trooper poked his head in. He saw a comatose woman, who was about to pass out.

He said: ‘Madam… Please calm down, we just want our speed camera back…’.